This Floating Poo Was Far Too Meaningful! It's the Television Disappointments of the Year.
Looking back, we reflect on the television offerings of the past year, a selection of shows emerge not for their excellence, but for their notable failures. Ranging from awkward spin-offs to confusingly bad docuseries, here are the programmes that had us utterly bewildered or simply reaching for the remote.
The 'Sex and the City' Sequel
How to start with this divisive follow-up? Burdened with dreadful writing, painful arcs (we demand better for Miranda!), and a paltry 71 seconds of beloved Samantha, the show fought to justify its existence. Briefly, as the final series began, it looked like it had at last found its groove. Then arrived an installment centered on Seema’s natural deodorant. Little surprise the showrunner declared this would be the last series. It ended on a bum note; the lingering shot of Miranda’s toilet full of poo was simply too on-the-nose. Still, fans certainly had a hoot dissecting every single “what on earth?” moment. And as Carrie – a single woman once more – twirled around her sprawling townhouse to Barry White, who didn’t release a small sob?
The Kim Kardashian Drama
‘Can Kim Kardashian act? The answer is a resounding no.’
But that was practically the smallest of this show's issues. The subject of a exceedingly uncommon no-star assessment, it was difficult to know where to start listing the flaws. The hilariously wooden writing? The mind-numbing veneration of affluence and consumption? The almost deliberate procession of tropes? Performances so poor they felt borderline spiteful? Suffice it to say “all of the above” and never speak of this show again. Except, a second season has been ordered, so we’re likely going to have to.
The Charlie Sheen Documentary
Considering the legal troubles, abuse claims and fatherly shortcomings, it’s fair to say Charlie Sheen has been a bad boy. Not that you’d truly have gleaned it from this multi-part documentary which chuckled along at Sheen’s various episodes of self-destructive hedonism while failing to tell us anything we didn’t already know. Rather, it felt as if this loose cannon was being indulged, so any pity this show might evoke should be saved for the people who have had to suffer proximity with this charming but flippant egotist.
The Supercomputer Drama
Of course we knew it was preposterous from the outset: a drama about a supercomputer known as Charlie Big Potatoes that could either save the world – or destroy all of humanity. We persevered out of pure love for its stars … but by the end, it felt like even they had given up trying. One scarcely cared when his character died, and the other ended up hacking Charlie with an axe … in super slow-motion. That's what you call admitting defeat.
The Gangster Drama
Shady characters meeting in empty boxing gyms? The Prodigy’s Firestarter blaring in club scenes? The late 90s called and demands its gangland drama back.
In truth, that is unfair on the crime shows of the late 90s. Many look a bit dated now, but at least they didn’t suffer the embarrassment of having to indulge baffling dialects. But there were many other issues. Mainly that it was just profoundly boring; a dispute over drug-selling territory between various cockney picaresques which seemed a bit basic.
The Meghan Markle Series
Considering the degree to which she grinds the gears of the nation’s performatively enraged commentators, it’s temptingly easy to admire the Duchess of Sussex’s various forays into quaint homemaking as intentional provocations. But then you watch them and are forced to admit that actually, they may have a point. It’s like watching a homeware catalogue come to life; a poster for wine o’clock with delusions of grandeur; a parade of sleeping dogs, humming beehives, Hallmark sayings and forgettable crafting “tips” you’ll forget instantly. All underpinned by vast, largely unearned wealth. Ugh.
Victoria Beckham
There are clearly interesting things to be said about regarding Victoria Beckham and her struggles with vocation, identity, self-worth. But for whatever reason, this three-part series opted not to say them. Rather, the viewing was akin to consuming a marketing brochure. She clearly has good reason to bridle at what she describes as her “stern” image. But unfortunately, she didn’t do herself any helps with this guarded non-event of a series.
The Inheritance
It had the potential to be the next cultural phenomenon – except even more extravagant, with a famous star as a deceased benefactor and a well-known personality managing her inheritance. What more could you want? As contestants battled it out, there was plenty of backstabbing and squabbling. But the rules quickly became bewildering: it’s still too complicated to explain what precisely was happening. Even more disappointingly, we only saw brief appearances of the star via prerecorded videos. The show ended up smelling of a programme that was straining desperately to emulate something way beyond it.
Too Much
How does one succeed a show that captured a generation? The pressure was enormous for this starry romantic comedy about Jessica, a hopeful New Yorker who lands in London with a shattered romance. The star seized the opportunity by the horns and was joyous to watch, embodying Austen levels of romantic ideals. But it was all very glossy and, paradoxically, was not enough. Plus, the abundance of celebrity friends involved felt uncomfortable.
The Sketch Show Return
Not good enough to be ‘uneven’.
Given the shrewd recruitment of talented younger comics, hopes were high. But unhappily, most of it didn’t land. A particular sketch was a single joke stretched to a husk but repeated in every episode. One star seemed too ready to slip into a well-known irate mode. The behind-the-scenes sketches, in contrast, simply inspired the thought that they should probably have stayed in there a bit longer.
The Twisted Tale of Amanda Knox
This dramatisation of the story of Amanda Knox was executive produced by Amanda Knox and pretty much exclusively showcased the viewpoint of Amanda Knox. So, while there undoubtedly is an compelling drama to be made about the tragic 2007 murder, this isn’t it. The subject matter needed to be treated with care. Rather, the series laboured awkwardly to find the right tone, lumbering from oddly jaunty, somewhat mannered farce to ultimately, real-life horror. Complex? Arguably. A total mess? Absolutely.
The Maths Genius Thriller
We admire the star … but did we believe him playing the most brilliant maths genius in history, a man so intelligent he’s on the brink of a breakthrough that could destabilise society? Nope! This globe-trotting thriller about government agencies spying on – and killing off – intellectuals frankly got more farcical by the second. Silliness-by-numbers.
The Bonnie Blue Documentary
This uncritical portrait followed the content creator notorious for explicit exploits as she undertook her most extreme feat yet. What on earth would possess her? What we craved was far greater examination of her true psyche, plus those of the men in the queue. They could at least have interviewed the legendary mum who appeared to drag her son away from the queue. What we got was horrific shots and zero interrogation of her infamy whatsoever. It's staggering to consider, the documentary-maker has a young daughter too.